The killer in me

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Lily was almost attacked by a seagull on our morning walk. Fortunately she hid behind me as I furiously waved my hands and distributed violent if pointless kicks into the air. I must have looked as if I had an epileptic fit, but as the only creature who could actually see us was the bloodthirsty, feathers covered messerschmitt, I really did not care.

I don’t think I have ever killed anything (well, apart from the accident with the washed snail – but the more I think about it, the more I believe he must have been suicidal). I have been vegetarian (vegan mostly) for pretty much all my life, I have never considered killing to be a solution to any problem. But. I think killing is harwired in my brain. And it’s a shame seagulls can’t read as it’s an official warning. I can and will kill if anyone tries to hurt my little princess.

(If charged, it should be: homicide-voluntary manslaughter/seagulslaughter. Can prove on balance of probabilities a defence of diminished responsibility as clearly provoked to lose my self-control)

 

Right: I’m going to add an article as I think the consequences of seagull attack are greatly underestimated:  how to survive seagull attack

 

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24 thoughts on “The killer in me

  1. Sounds like justfiable avicide to me…just make sure you get a judge that likes dogs…and ice cream. You could show videos of seagulls stealing ice cream…
    But seriously-seagulls are nasty things, and some of those herring gulls can be as big as a small dog! Hope Lily is all right 🙂 x

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    1. Well…Brian is Brian because my favourite judge is called Brian (‘I can’t believe you named a Romanian stray after me’ was not a response I expected though). Brian the judge also owns two Jack Russells who happen to really like me…
      Me and Hedgehog like watching seagulls stealing pasties from people (our favourite cafe is perfect for this). They seem to operate in gangs. I’m sure they have tattoos under the feathers!
      Lily was, of course, very brave (well, something like that) 😉

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      1. Sorted then, to go round and metaphorically fight gulls then…avoid albatrosses…
        I think Brian is a totally cool name for a dog…coming from someone who shares their life with a cat called Ting Tong Maccadangdang…!

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    1. Haha, so is Lily. But the great black backed and herring gulls are much bigger than her. And they are notorious for stealing food from people, eating chicks and generally being a pain. Lily will undoubtedly chase pigeons and such with revenge in her eyes 🙂

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      1. They eat ducklings and other wild fowl chicks (gallinule which is common here – the black ones with long legs), even baby swans 😦 There are signs along the canal to make people aware that feeding the ducks, unless done properly i.e. food should be thrown in the reeds, will actually make it hard for the ducklings to survive.

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      2. Seagulls are kind of less attractive as babies than most other birds (in human eyes). But the problem with seagulls in cities is our fault. They feed on scraps and get bolder…a duckling, a dog or a fish, it’s all the same to them (not to me, though) -they just want to eat when they’re hungry.

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      1. Of course! We momentarily forgot that Lily’s not just a regular princess but a warrior princess. Please extend our apologies to Princess Lily–we don’t ever want to get on her bad side. Woofs and Wags, Cosmo and Stella

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  2. This post had me laughing. I visualized you chopping the air, jumping up and down, and throwing some hard karate kicks. (Now I know I would never want to be on your “bad” side! If arrested and put in prison, you might get the nickname, “The Violent Vegan”.) Note: I would do the same thing in the same circumstances.

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    1. I wish I could have seen myself, actually 🙂 Not very graceful or ladylike- but it was very early in the morning 😉

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      1. It’s my ‘fight’ response (as in ‘fight or flight’) – I am actually known for acting too promptly in stressful situations. I was followed by a man once, late in the night and when he suddenly touched my shoulder I hit him with my umbrella. The only problem was he was a fellow lecturer trying to catch up with me…and as we lived on campus then, all the students knew the very next day…

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      2. How curious! I did almost the same things with one of my cousins, only I hit him with my elbow and got him in the eye. He had to wear dark sunglasses for a while… My reaction to danger is always “hit first, ask questions later.”

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  3. OMG!
    Thank goodness you all survived the onslaught!
    The world is such a dangerous place.
    I can’t believe they let those things fly around uncontrolled.
    That’s the real crime here.

    Seek peace (when possible),

    Paz

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    1. haha, they are actually controlled (a bit, but clearly not enough), I hardly ever see them with no leg bands. Though it’s more about their population than their behaviour 😉
      Fortunately, we have survived to tell the tale and warn others 🙂

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